Friday, December 18, 2009

You Mean, You Really Need To Know This?

No doubt, if you have email and Facebook, you all get these at some time or another — the "What's your favorite color?" and "What stripper name would you like?" questions — the running lists of trivial information that your friends and relatives just cannot live without knowing. Since this information is never sensitive, and I believe that a total stranger will be just as disinterested in my results as any of those close to me, I've decided to post all questions and answers to my blog from here on out. This may include warts and all, as in, font color and size changes, random italicization, and the crappiest grammar EVER. So, here is the maiden ship voyage of the U.S.S. Information (Useless Suzanne Sarah Information):

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just copy (not forward) this entire email and paste into a new e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you...'Tis the Season to be NICE!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? the lesser of a choking hazard

2. Real tree or Artificial? neither, prefer "New Car" scent

3. When do you put up the tree? every time I get a car wash, yearly

4. When do you take the tree down? see answer #3

5. Do you like eggnog? If it's got brandy in it, I don't like it, I LOVE IT.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? my 135 IQ score

7. Hardest person to buy for? my overly analytical, 135 scoring self

8. Easiest person to buy for? Not people … dogs; cripes, they eat poo!

9. Do you have a nativity scene? The dogs have a scene every day.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? No! My stamps!

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? poo from the dogs

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? π

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I shop for Jesus all year.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? see answer #11

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? crow

17. Favorite Christmas song?

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? By all means, please travel ... far away from me.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Dokken, Dashboard, Pacecar, Viagra, Cometh, Cuspid, Dunder, Blintzes, and Rudolph Giuliani

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? rearview mirror (see answers #3 & #4)

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Who cares, when you have egg-schlog? *hic*

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? cleaning up, not clearing out

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? dead opossum

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? ❆ see answers #15 & #23, braised

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? world peas (if exists, probably at Trader Joe’s)

26. Who is most likely to respond? Me. Duh! Though why, I have no clue.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Fruitcake Toss

I'm one of those non-believers you've (not) heard so much about. My enjoyment of this time of year is two-fold. Please, let me explain ...

First, I appreciate how warm and fuzzy most people become. Philanthropists "philanthrople" their brains out. Everyone smiles as a neonate spits up on a tittering new mom's bosom. Everyone fancies themselves comedic, especially when tipsy. Fun!

Second, I gather, appreciate, and create parody of non-religious Christmas/Chanukah/Winter Solitice/Kwanzaa traditions (my guilty pleasure for which I feel absolutely no remorse). Check out this visual manual for building a Mountain Dew can Christmas tree I found on the web yesterday:

The things I find disturbing about this time of year are two-fold, as well ...

Those same folks that fancy themselves comedic when tipsy often turn into jackasses when soused ... and you can't take their keys and leave 'em at the bar because they're in your living room. The baby's spit-up turns out to be not from breast milk satiation, but from Winter Flu. And, those corporate donors are only giving as much as they need to qualify for federal tax credits and to keep their name on the plaque above the door leaving programs flailing and gasping for breath.

The Christmas tradition that seems to do the most damage is that of notion that there must be an excess of EVERYTHING — food, booze, gifts, seats at the table, party invites, holiday cards coming in, late nights, and decorations — excessive stress and debt are the two consequences of all these shenanigans.

So, I propose that we keep it simple this year. Philip and I will be hosting a fruitcake toss in March. What is this, you ask? Well, take that cake gift or buy one on sale after Christmas, open up that tin lid, and let your cake get good and stale. The only difference between your cake and a discus is the cake should still be a little sticky. Let us know if plan to participate and we'll send details.