War

Crawl into a hole. Crawl into a hole that slowly refills itself with sand, so you won’t die. This is a desert bunker and also serves to protect you from the sun. Do not remove your camo, no matter how hot you are, no matter how much sweat is under your body armor. Removal of your weapons is also prohibited, while outside of designated weapon removal zones. Do not remove your weapons or armor to medically treat any other individual, even if that individual is an officer, even if that individual is screaming at you to do something. Help them the best you can with your rifle around your neck, the handgun strapped to your thigh, the other strapped to your ankle, and any other weapon you have managed to confiscate. You won’t be doing anyone any favors by getting yourself shot in the head, neck, chest or family jewels. You do want kids, don’t you?

Stay away from the local tea. It may be poisoned, no matter how sad the kid looks when you say “no,” no matter how much he cries for you to feed him because he’s an orphan or put shoes back on his shrapnel-cut toes or a clean destasha on his back. Let him get his own freakin’ gutra for his damn punk-ass head. He just wants to see you dead. For him, the only good American soldier is a maimed, bleeding, tortured and, eventually, killed American soldier. You are proud to be serving your country in this capacity, aren’t you boys?

That goes for the food, too. Those kitchens are something your mother would bomb herself, given the opportunity. There are all manner of diseases that you could contract out of one of those pits where they eat on the fucking dirt floor. I don’t feel like having to spoon feed or shoot you up in the arm or butt with some Grade-A penicillin to counteract your stupid ass Grade-F appetite. You be happy with what Uncle Sam provides you. Just pretend it’s your mama’s cooking and suck it up.

And, don’t go putting pictures of all the shit-stained underwear of the guys on the internet, either. If I even catch wind of anything even remotely like this going on with you, your video camera, or your laptop, I’m gonna make sure that America sees YOUR head chopped off on Iraqi national television. I’ll shove your desert blog right up your ass. Got that? Have I made myself perfectly clear?

All right then, let’s get on to the last order of business for tonight. Stay away from the freakin’ hooka. It’s up to you to figure out which I’m talking about depending on where you are. If you want to stick your dick in it, DON’T. If you want to stick that stupid pipe in your face, DON’T. There will be no drugs and no pussies on the front line ... EVER. Got that? GOT THAT? All right then, see y'all tomorrow bright and early. Fuck y'all very much for listening to me. Fuck you, Lansing, get your sticky-ass feet off my cot, you douchebag!